the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I think pants incapable of making pants work
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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