just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Randomize
