The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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