i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You're a waste of cheezeits
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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