you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
