Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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