I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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