I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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