I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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