Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
