Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
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