Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
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