Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
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