Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
