You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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