she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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