Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
