i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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