can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
