she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
