This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
