I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
