Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
