What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
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