She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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