got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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