I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
