My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
