Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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