I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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