Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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