She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
