the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Dear god my vagina.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
