ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
