Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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