I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
