Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
