More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
