Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
organizing the empties. That sober.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
