I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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