i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
