he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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