I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Who died my cat blue again?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
