Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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