True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
