Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
you never un-have a 4some
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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