the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
