im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize