You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
