he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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