i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize