If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
