It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
