I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
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