dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize