My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
